Do you have a hard time saying no? Perhaps you become filled with guilt, struggle to speak up or take care of your own needs? You are not alone, you are one of the many hundred of clients I work with that struggle with setting boundaries.
Insecure attachment is a response to a less-than-optimal caregiving environment. Attachment styles come from our relationship with our caregivers or parents. Individuals with insecure attachment styles often prioritize pleasing people to maintain safety or control of their environment. This could be by not saying “no” to things because of the guilt that follows.
Healthy Relationships
“If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth, your value. And the world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and know that you are not alone.” – Sue Johnson, Creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Secure adult relationships include two healthy adults capable of fulfilling their own needs while also displaying attunement and reciprocity in the relationship. This means they enjoy the company of a partner and the support they receive from them but they do not look to them to meet all of their emotional needs.
Bowlby, the founder of Attachment theory, says that a secure attachment creates a safe base to explore the world. Traumatic experiences or emotional immaturity interfere with emotional safety and impact the nervous system’s self-regulating ability.
How to Say “No”
Does it make you shut down when you want to say no to commitments, or do you take on more work than you can handle? These are the results of the fight-flight-freeze-appease states that the nervous system resorts to. Oftentimes, as children, many people were not acknowledged as being their person or may not have been modeled on how to respond to conflict in a healthy way.
Saying “no” could take a few steps, such as acknowledging critical self-talk that may prevent you from speaking up. Perhaps you hear thoughts about being unworthy, such as “I don’t matter, nobody cares, I feel guilty when I upset others.” These thoughts are beneficial in some situations, but when we feel the need to say no, it might not be the most helpful thoughts to have.
Next may be acknowledging the discomfort in your body when you try to stand up for yourself. Perhaps you notice anxious thoughts, or there are words you want to come out, but your mouth and body do not respond. Others may notice wanting to immediately escape the situation and avoid speaking up to prevent the discomfort. Having the awareness of what comes up allows us to reflect on the somatic and physical sensations that may be tied to traumatic events or doubts about our needs.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
Most insecurely attached individuals I work with have some level of fear of abandonment or fear of rejection that prevents them from asserting themselves. This can be tied to trauma or an insecure attachment to where emotional needs were not responded to with attunement and nurturing as frequently or at all. These beliefs can contribute to individuals avoiding conflict, but they cause resentment in relationships over time when they cannot speak up for themselves. Over time when your needs go unmet it can lead someone to feel not good enough due to the abandonment of their own needs combined with other people dismissing or denying their needs.
Is It Worth It?
How do I know if having personal boundaries is worth it, telling them how I am feeling, or just letting things go? When my clients are stuck with this dilemma, it is ultimately the client’s decision. Without the full context, knowing how important holding a boundary is in the moment or if there may be something more important in the bigger picture that may make setting a boundary difficult.
Increasing mindfulness of physical sensations, emotions that are coming up, and what may be the benefit of interacting with both individuals. Mindfulness can be achieved by closing our eyes and reflecting on what occurs internally to reduce stress and calmly asking ourselves, “What do I need in this moment?”
Assertiveness Skills
One assertiveness skill I like to teach my clients is to reflect on whether what they ask is unreasonable. If the answer is no, we further investigate what has made them feel unsafe asserting themselves and how to formulate a plan not to be too aggressive and only think about their own needs but also not too passive where their needs go unmet.
Setting boundaries includes enforcing limitations the individual will not allow themselves to be a part of. A boundary is set to protect an individual and show themselves their worth by limiting what interactions they say yes to. For example, “I will not continue this conversation if you raise your voice.” These limitations state what the individual will do, not what is expected of others to do.
Assertiveness may be challenging depending on one’s beliefs about speaking up for oneself, the role one believes one plays in keeping others happy, or the lack of safety one feels when attempting to resort to alternatives other than people-pleasing.
Summary
If people-pleasing interferes with your life goals and interpersonal relationships, psychotherapy could help you navigate these behaviors. Suppose you feel shut down, struggle to speak up, resent others, feel depressed about not having your needs met, and lose sleep over interactions with others. In that case, you may struggle with some enmeshment and codependency. Contact me to schedule a therapy session to work through the anxiety and depression from relationship distress.